


Alcoholics Anonymous

by Daisyith



Category: Hatfilms, The Yogscast
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-26 07:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6229585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyith/pseuds/Daisyith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When pining for another man, Alex turns to alcohol to dull his emotions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drinking to Forget

Alex slid his fingers around the cool glass of the bottle and brought it up to his lips, wincing slightly at the burning sensation that overwhelmed his tongue. The pain didn’t matter, it was actually a nice alternative to the constant aching sensation in his chest. Well more his heart than his chest. Behind the hard exterior and the smug grin, there was a guy who experienced emotions, on a daily basis felt like crying, who was too afraid to admit to the love he felt towards a particular brown-haired man. He had tried so hard to conceal his feelings but now, he found it impossible. And so he turned to the only solution he knew, alcohol. He took a swig from the bottle. He was in love but tonight it wouldn’t matter. Tonight, he was drinking to forget...

\-------

Alex wanted to forget the way Chris’ laugh sounded, the way it resonated around the room in an angelic tone. He wanted to remove the sound from his memory, stop it from playing over and over and over again. There was one memory in particular he wanted gone:

He wanted to forget when in the spur of the moment, he began humming the tune to his favourite song, hoping he would get one of Chris’ smiles in return. Although he was singing the song with a smirk on his face and a tease in his voice, Alex was meaning each word that passed through his lips. He was imaging how it would feel with Chris between his arms, how it really would feel like heaven. It was stupid, meant as just a joke but Alex couldn’t help the meaning behind the song, the feeling of warmth that spread over his chest.

“Baby, you're all that I want  
When you're lyin' here in my arms  
I'm findin' it hard to believe  
We're in heaven  
And love is all that I need  
And I found it there in your heart  
It isn't too hard to see  
We're in heaven”

 

As he came to the end of the chorus, he could see the way Chris’ lips turned up at the corners, a laugh escaping from his lips as he said,

“We’re gonna bang tonight.”

A red, warm feeling spread over Alex’s cheeks in embarrassment as he spluttered in surprise at Chris’ words. He wondered whether he had heard the brunette correctly before realising it wouldn’t matter, it was only a joke, a laugh for the fans. It would never be a reality. He forced smile on his own face and let out a shaky laugh,

“Name the time and place, Trotty2Hotty…”

Alex took a sip straight from the bottle, smiling as the memory was cast aside, even just for a moment. 

\------------

Alex wanted to forget the way Chris hugged when he was happy. The way he would step forwards, having to stand on his tiptoes before he could sling his arms around Alex’s neck. The way Alex’s rough skin was a nice contrast to the smoothness of Chris’ when his hands instinctively splayed across the strip of bare skin on Chris’ hips where his t-shirt had ridden up. The way Chris would bury his head slightly into Alex’s neck and collarbone, resting it there as his eyes fluttered shut. His eyes traced Chris’ features, internalising each freckle that splattered his cheek, each curve of his rounded face, each eyelash that fluttered gently against his cheekbone. But most of all Alex wanted to forget the scent of ginger and lemon that filled his nostrils as he couldn’t help but smell the top of the brunette’s hair, smelling the same scent that came from the shampoo bottle, the one that had been ingrained in his memory. 

Another swig of alcohol, his emotions dulled a little more.

__________

Alex wanted to forget Chris’ plump lips and the way they moved in a delicate fashion. He had spent many an hour dreaming about what they would feel like pressed against his own, moving in perfect unison. He had often dreamt about what they would feel like pressed elsewhere, nipping at his neck or gently against his ear, sometimes even surrounding an area much lower. He imagined what they would taste like, whether there would be a hint of coffee or chocolate if he was to run his tongue across them. He loved the way they moved when he spoke, often Alex would find himself zoning out in their conversations, not because he wasn’t interested in what Chris had to say but rather his eyes were drawn to Chris’ lips. For Alex, the best time was when they spoke one word “Alex.”. When Chris called him by his first name, Alex would always feel a flutter in his heart and excitement in his chest like a teenager in love. 

He smiled, happy for the first time that evening as he climbed into bed, the memories of Chris discarded. Another mouthful of alcohol and he was met with temporary relief.


	2. Drunken Confessions

It was just another normal evening. Wrapping his calloused fingers around the cool glass beside him, Alex lifted it until it was level with his mouth before tipping it back until the burning liquid could be tasted on his tongue. He swallowed, the whiskey quickly working its way down his throat as he relished in the familiar warmth that began to spread throughout his body. As he pulled the glass from his lips, his tongue seeking the spare droplets around his mouth, he set the glass down on the table in front of him before topping it up to its original fullness. And as he repeated this action over a short period of time, that warmth had completely filled him, leaving him a growing feeling of content as his head grew fuzzy, his inhibition and awareness slipping.

“A’right mate?” Smith slurred, a grin spreading on his face as he spotted the familiar face of his friend, Chris walking towards him, “How’s my little walrus?”

“How much have you had to drink Alex?” Chris asked, concern filling his voice as he adopted the position of the worrisome mother.

“Only a little…”

“Do you even remember?”

Alex’s eyes widened slightly as he began to recall how many times he’d topped up his glass that evening but somewhere along the line, he found his mind wandering to something completely irrelevant, something about how he thought Chris looked cute with that little worry line on his forehead.

“Well?” Chris demanded, bringing Alex back to reality, his previous thoughts slipping from his mind as he shrugged in answer to Chris’ question. The brunette sighed as he glanced at his watch, reading 4am. Alex was clearly drunk but it wasn’t an unusual sight, it was actually something that had become something of a normal occurrence. For the majority of the last three weeks or so, Chris had awoken in the middle of the night to the sounds of drunken laughter, loud television and the stumbling of the redhead as he finally brought himself to bed. But tonight when Chris had heard all but the last, he began to worry and felt he had to intervene.

“Mate you’ve really got to stop drinking, it’s not good for you to do it every single night.”

“Can’t stop me.”

“I can’t you’re right but I think you might have a problem.” Chris answered, his hand falling to point at the empty whiskey bottle beside Alex and the new one that had just been started. But looking at the stubborn face on the taller man, Chris decided to drop the subject, at least for now,

“We’ll talk about it in the morning. Let’s get you to bed Smith.” Chris said, extending his hands in front of him, offering them to Alex who took them, relying on the smaller man to take his weight and with his clumsy movements, he stumbled before standing up. Chris then took one of Alex’s hands, entwining his fingers with his friends as one hand moved to the small of Alex’s back as he guided his drunken friend up the stairs towards his bedroom. It was mostly successful, Alex was just capable of putting one foot in front of the other and together, they made it to Alex’s room. Chris pushed open the door before pushing Alex through. He staggered through the tight doorframe, almost bashing his arm against it before he made his way to his bed, collapsing face down on the soft material, burying his face in the pillow, content and not wanting to move. But Chris didn’t care, with skilled hands he turned the man over and began to help undressing him, removing his shoes and his jeans, leaving him in only his hoodie and underwear. Chris then pulled the duvet from beneath the redhead before placing it over him, ensuring he was warm.

As this was being done, Alex noticed for the first time that Chris was only wearing a pair of crumpled pyjama trousers, his black rimmed glasses sitting upon his nose and his hair tousled from sleep and his earlier thoughts came flooding back to him, Chris looked cute. And once this thought had entered his mind, he couldn’t make it leave and he knew he had to do something about it. So with one hand, he reached out in search of the body of the other and eventually it came in contact with Chris’ arm which Alex gently pulled, bringing the brunette towards him until he stopped just above Alex with a confused expression on his face.

Alex murmured “Thank you” before leaning from his position to place his lips against Chris’. The brunette’s eyes widened in surprise, unsure of what to do, it was something that had been the subject of his fantasies for as long as he could remember and here he was, Alex’s lips pressed against his but it was nothing like he’d imagined. Alex was sloppy, his lips moving in clumsy movements, his breath smelling strongly of the consumed alcohol and the sudden remembrance that Alex was beyond drunk filled Chris’ mind. He froze, pushing Alex away from him as he asked,

“W-What are you doing?”

“Haven’t you seen the way I look at you Chrissy. I love you.” Alex stated matter-of-factly and Chris was suddenly thankful for the dark room as a warm, embarrassed blush crept over his cheeks. “I can’t stop staring. I can’t stop laughing at your jokes even when they don’t make sense. And I love it when I talk to you or sing to you.”

“T-T-That’s not true.” Chris stuttered, knowing fully well that that didn’t sound convincing, not even to him.

“It is. I can’t stop thinking about you Chrissy.”

“Alex you’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know how I feel.”

“No you don’t, not properly. Look I’ll see you in the morning, we can talk about this then when you’re sober.” Chris said and as difficult as it was, he pulled himself away from Alex and walked out of the redhead’s room. Alex was drunk, way beyond thinking straight and as much as Chris wanted it to be true, he knew it was the alcohol talking, not the man…


	3. Morning Regrets

Alex groaned. He could feel the sunlight pressing against his closed eyelids, stopping him from continuing his much needed sleep. Why hadn’t he shut the curtains when he came to bed last night? He thought for a moment, when had he actually come to bed? He had no memory of what happened. He pushed his chest forwards whilst thrusting his shoulders back, relishing in the satisfying clicks that escaped from his spine. His body ached, his every muscle screaming out in pain. Whatever had happened the previous evening, he was definitely feeling the effects now. Alex screwed his eyes tighter, hoping it would allow his body to slip back into consciousness as if he had never left that state. But it was no use, he could still feel the sunlight on his face. 

Alex turned over in his bed, moving so that his back faced the intruding sunlight so that it could no longer uninvitingly disturb him from his sleep. At the sudden movement, Alex was made aware of the thumping sensation at the sides of his head, the one that moved in time with his heartbeat and made him just want to curl into a ball at the side of the room. It was a familiar pain, one that he had experienced on a daily basis over the last few weeks but despite its regular appearance, the sheer pain it caused him was still unexpected. Accompanying the pounding was a disgusting taste in his mouth, one that left his tongue with a furry texture that stuck to the roof of the mouth. This again was a familiar sensation, one that he knew was the effect of alcohol the previous evening. He peeled his eyes open one by one, wincing at the bright light of the room that he was suddenly met with. He blinked quickly, letting his eyes slowly adjust before he peered at his bedside table, desperately trying to locate the clock through his sleep-hazed vision. With difficulty, Alex made the time out to be 14:30. 

He inhaled deeply, trying to will away the headache that was on the verge of becoming a migraine when he was met with the overwhelming scent of bacon rising from the kitchen downstairs. It clung to his nostrils and made the headache turn to nausea. He staggered out of bed, clutching desperately to the wall as he used it as guide to travel down the hallway. He pushed through the bathroom door and fell to his knees before the toilet, just in time to empty his system of the remaining alcohol. 

Alex drew back from the toilet bowl, closing the lid before resting his sweaty forehead against it, relishing in the coolness of the ceramic. He felt appalling, worried that if he moved even an inch then he would need to open the toilet again. He closed his eyes, experiencing temporary relief as the headache was halted for just a moment.

He was unsure as to how long he had been in that position but a while later, he heard the padding of footsteps that belonged to one of two men. He felt the body kneel down beside his tired one and felt one hand rest gently against the small of his back, rubbing clockwise in a comforting motion. The hand felt small and delicate, one that he knew could only belong to Chris. This was confirmed when the body spoke,

“How’re you feeling Smith?” Chris asked, his voice full of concern.

Alex opened his mouth but found himself unable to speak, his voice hoarse and his throat hurting. Instead, he shook his head in the slightest of movement, not wanting to worsen the pain in his temples. 

Chris sighed, looking at the redhead sympathetically. Although he was used to Smith being hungover after a typical night of drinking, it was never to this extent. Over the last three weeks, he had never drunk this much in one evening and so it was understandable that the effects would be worse. He had seen the empty bottles littering the floor, the half-empty whiskey bottle knocked to the floor. And he had been the one to clear up the mess. Chris thrust a clear glass towards Alex, one that he had brought in with him alongside two painkillers,

“Here, this’ll take away the pain.” He then stood up and left the room, leaving Alex to gratefully take the glass of water and tablets. He took a sip of water, swirling it around his mouth before spitting it back out into the toilet. It was slightly better, removing the foul taste of stale alcohol that had more recently combined with a more powerful taste of vomit. He took another sip, this time swallowing before repeating the action but placing one of the small tablets against his tongue. He knew it would take a while for the pain to be relieved but the water alone had made him feel slightly better. He placed the now empty glass on the floor beside him as Chris entered the room again, this time with a damp flannel in hand. Chris sat back down next to the redhead and placed a hand against his paled forehead, sweeping the mess of curls to one side,

“You’re boiling Alex.” Chris murmured, placing the flannel against Alex’s forehead, where his hand had been just moments ago. He watched as Alex’s eyes fluttered closed in relief. Chris knew this was more than a bit of drinking, this was serious problem and he decided he had to do something. But for now, he had to look after his best friend, “Do you think you could stand up?” Alex nodded. With one hand holding the flannel against Alex’s head, the other slid down to clutch against his waist, Chris helped the taller man to stand upright. Together, they stumbled back towards Alex’s bedroom and Chris couldn’t help the feeling of Deja Vu that washed over him, these events following a similar pattern as the ones of the previous night. It took longer than it should have done but with most of Alex’s weight resting on Chris, the smaller man was having difficulty moving along the hallway. Eventually, they made it into his room and Chris helped Alex to lay back on the bed where he covered him with the duvet again. He then moved to the window and closed the curtains, smiling slightly at the visible sign of relief that spread over Alex’s face. 

Chris moved to sit on the bed next to Alex, the bed dipping under his weight, “Do you remember what happened last night?” He asked curiously, wondering whether Alex had remembered his confession of love in the early hours of the morning. 

“No, did I do something?” He asked, speaking for the first time that morning and Chris could hear the pain and discomfort that Alex was experiencing. He reached over and swept the stray strands of hair that had fallen into his eyes, pushing them back to where they belonged. He looked so peaceful there, his eyes closed but Chris didn’t know whether Alex was truthful in his words last night. Did he actually mean what he said? There was only one to know, he had to tell Alex what had happened, 

“You… You told me you loved me…” Chris whispered softly, fear evident in his voice. He waited for Alex’s reply but it never came. Instead, his sentence was cut off by gentle snoring as the redhead had clearly fallen back to sleep. Chris sighed, standing up. He leant forwards, pressing his lips gently against the dampened skin on Alex’s forehead, placing a soft kiss there before walking out of the room. He knew he had to talk to Alex, knew he had to confront him both about his drinking problem and what happened last night. But for now, it could wait, he could let the tired and sick man get a few more hours rest...


	4. Falling in Love

When Alex awoke later that day, he could feel the absence of light on his face and smiled. His head wasn’t pounding as much, his throat wasn’t as scratchy and sore and his whole body ached considerably less. Sleep was just what he needed. He sat upright, stretching his arms upwards as he did so, moving his tired muscles. He placed his feet against the wooden floor, shivering slightly at the cold material beneath them. Finally, he stood up from his bed, his joints clicking in protest but Alex continued anyway. He glanced over at the clock, reading 18:00. 

He walked to the corner of his room where discarded clothing littered the floorboards, some dirty, some clean. From the pile, he extracted a burgundy hoodie and a pair of old pajama trousers, slipping them on over the boxer shorts he had slept in. He felt disheveled, a mess but before he could brave jumping in the shower, he knew he had to get caffeine in his system. He turned and left the room, heading towards the kitchen. 

As he waited for the kettle to boil, Alex was left with thoughts as he desperately tried to remember the previous evening’s events. Why had he had so much to drink? What had he been trying to hide under the alcohol? All he knew for definite was this was the first time he had regretted his actions, the first time he had been aware of drinking so much, never before had he suffered so the next morning. As he pondered, he filled his waiting mug with hot water and carried to the kitchen table where he slid into one of the wooden chairs. At the taste of hot coffee, his body relaxed slightly, it was the perfect cure to the slight remnants of the hangover that clung to his body.

As the last sip passed through his lips, Alex’s hands seized up around the mug and his breath hitched for a moment. He knew. He knew what had happened, what he had said. It had all come back to him, he could remember the things he had forgotten. Suddenly, his grip on the mug loosened and it clattered against the wooden table. ‘Shit, I told him I loved him.’ He thought to himself, mentally cursing at the loosening effect of the alcohol. It was ironic really, if he hadn’t been drinking to cover up his feelings, he would never had told Chris how he felt. But irony didn’t matter to Alex, Chris’ reaction did.

He stood from the table, ignoring the shards of ceramic that lay against it and rushed out of the room, searching the house for one particular brunette. After looking through the downstairs rooms, Alex decided Chris must be up in his bedroom,

“Chris, I’m sorry…” Alex called as he pushed through Chris’ door, stopping at the peaceful sight of the other man. Chris curled up on his bed, a book in hand and his glasses resting upon his nose. 

Chris paused, placing the book against the bed, the pages facing downwards in order to keep his place. He waited a moment before speaking, choosing his words carefully, “What are sorry about Alex?” He asked curiously, after their talk earlier that day, Chris wasn’t expecting Alex to remember what happened but he wasn’t sure what else it could be. 

“Last night. I drank too much, everything was a haze but I know I said some stuff and I’m sorry…” Alex stumbled through his words too quickly, too nervous and embarrassed to make complete coherence. He was ashamed of how he had acted and now he remembered, how he had subjected Chris to his drunken antics. But he was more nervous of what Chris would say, of how he would react to the confession. It might have been fuelled by the presence of alcohol but it was spoken from the heart and he desperately wanted Chris to realise that.

“Alex…” Chris interrupted Alex’s mumblings, he stood from his position on the bed and walked over until he was standing just before the redhead. “I know you were drunk and I know you said some things…” Before he continued, his fingers dropped to the hem of his t-shirt, playing with the frayed edges, his gaze falling to the floor as he found a sudden interest in the details of his floorboards, unable to look at the redhead, “Did you- Did you mean them?” 

“Of course I did. I think I’m in love with you Chris…” 

Chris’ head snapped upwards, his eyes finding the piercing blue he had grown to love. He could the genuine emotion behind the words and a slow smile spread over his cheeks, “I know I’m in love with you.” He whispered, scared to speak too loudly as if it was a dream that could be broken any minute. This was a moment he had been dreaming of for a while now but he had never thought Alex would reciprocate the feelings, not until last night. 

He stepped forwards, standing closer to the redhead. His arms reached out, seeking the hand’s of the other man where their fingers entwined together in a reflexive motion. Under his touch, Alex’s skin was rough but it felt nice, warm and comforting. Chris stood on his tiptoes, levelling his height with Alex so that their mouths were in line. He leant towards Alex, feeling the warm breath tickling his skin before pressing his lips against Alex’s. The kiss was with such care and love that was unexpected from the redhead. They stayed like that, moving in motion with each other, until Chris felt a tongue dart out and touch his lips. Using his tongue, Alex traced the shape of Chris lips before taking the bottom one between his teeth and gently tugging, seeking entry. Chris gave it, parting his lips so Alex could explore the depths of his mouth. The kiss deepened, gained more passion, an urge that previously wasn’t present. They moved together perfectly, their lips fitting together as if they were meant to be in that position. There was no awkwardness of being friends, no clumsiness, just perfection. They kissed for a long time before Chris found it difficult to fill his lungs with much needed oxygen and so he leant backwards, stopping when their heads were just mere centimetres apart, “I know I’m in love with you.” He repeated, unable to take his eyes off the other man as they shared a smile of knowing and loving….


	5. Happy Moments

Glancing over the top of his computer screen, Alex could make out the tired face of his boyfriend. Over the last few days, the three men had been working extremely hard: filming, processing, editing videos to ensure they had enough content to cover themselves over the upcoming Christmas holidays. The extra hours and late evenings had taken their toll on the three of them but in particular, the brunette. Alex had noticed the paled skin, the bloodshot eyes, the tired bags, the constant yawning and the lack of energy. And he knew he had to do something before Chris made himself unwell. 

As their filming came to an end, Alex stood up from his chair and walked across the room, crouching in front of his boyfriend. “Chris…” He called gently, he hand coming to rest on Chris’, stalling his movement on the mouse. “I’m taking you home love.”

Chris shrugged Alex’s hand off his own, his eyes drawn back to the computer screen before him. “I can’t Smith, I need to edit this video.” He answered, continuing his work.

“You’re tired, you need a break.” Alex stated as Chris interrupted him with a vocalised yawn as if to prove the point. He tried to stifle it behind the back of his hand but Alex noticed it. He reached over and pushed at the side of Chris’ chair, spinning it so he was facing the redhead, “You’re making yourself ill love, you need an early night.” 

Chris tried to spin his chair back around but Alex tightened his grip and held it in place, “I’m not taking no for an answer love, you need to relax.”

 

Chris sighed defeated, he could see the determination in Alex’s eyes and knew the stubbornness of his personality to know he wouldn’t change his mind. He nodded offering a compromise, “Just let me save it all.” 

Alex smiled softly, releasing his grip on the chair and letting Chris turn back to the computer. He stood up from the floor and went to turn off his own computer while he thought about what to do. He knew he wouldn’t be able to persuade Chris to sleep this early in the evening but he knew the perfect place to take his boyfriend…

Once Chris had finished what he has doing, Alex wrapped his arm around Chris’ shoulder and steered him out of the office before the brunette could change his mind. He directed Chris to his car, pulling the seatbelt across the smaller man. Next, Alex slid into the driver’s seat and started his car, driving to the local park.

Once they arrived, Alex parked up the car and turned to Chris, “Can you close your eyes love? I want this to be a surprise.” Chris nodded, closing his eyes so that his lashes rested against his cheekbones. Alex got out of the car and headed to the boot, pulling out a picnic blanket and a couple of candles from within. He had planned this for a couple of days, wanting to take Chris somewhere special and surprise him when they arrived. He walked away from the car, towards the centre of the park where a large oak tree towered over the grass. He lay the blanket down and placed the candles in the surrounding grass. He lit them before heading back to the car. Once Chris was out of the car, Alex placed his hands gently over the other man’s eyes, obscuring his vision. Carefully, Alex walked him to the tree,

“Surprise!” He said said, removing his fingers from where they, turning slightly so that he could look at the other man and see the slow smile that spread over his tired face. He lay down on the checkered blanket beneath the tree, feeling Chris follow his action. He felt the warmth of the other man’s body as he moved closer, felt the way Chris rested his head against his chest and heard the sigh of relief as one of Chris’s hands slid around his waist, settling against his hip bone. In response, Alex’s hand lowered until it splayed against Chris’ shoulder, pulling him closer. Together, they lay on the grass with the sky above them, blackened with only the occasional illuminating star. It was a peaceful evening and they spent it together in that position, watching just the twinkling of the stars,

“I love you Smith, thank you…” Chris mumbled sleepily, feeling his eyes grow heavier by the second. Alex was right, he really did need a break from the computer screen and here, he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. He had everything he needed, a loving boyfriend and time to rest his eyes. And so he did, he closed them and feeling content, he let sleep take over his body.


	6. Self Destruction

Since the very hungover morning, Alex had tried desperately to keep away from the bottle. It had been difficult, there had been urges that were almost impossible to escape but so far, so far he had managed. Alex had been confronted about his problem almost straight after he had started dating Chris and he decided he would change. It was never going to be easy to stay sober after being dependent on alcohol for so long but Alex had Chris to help him through, together they were a team who could tackle any problem. But when Chris wasn’t there, that’s when the problems started. 

Staying at Yogtowers well into the evening, Chris was working on a couple of videos, editing them and adding the finishing touches before their deadline. Normally, Alex would stay at the office for a while, playing games or testing out ideas for their channel but tonight, Chris wanted the peace only an empty office could bring. And so, Alex and Ross went out to grab a bite of food. It was when Ross ordered a glass of whiskey to accompany his meal that Alex knew he was in trouble. The fumes of alcohol rose from the glass, Alex could smell it, his mouth salivating at the sight. He reached over, his fingers curling around the glass in a very familiar action and he brought it up to his mouth, relishing in the taste he had missed so dearly. He kept sipping, forgetting the drink was not brought out for him. But that didn’t stop him, he drank and he drank and he drank some more. He was determined, stubborn, unstoppable even under the stern words of his ebony-haired friend. That evening, he stumbled home and clumsily climbed under the duvet, sliding close to his boyfriend. He desperately hoped he had disguised the alcohol smell under a swirl of mouthwash and a few breath mints but Chris knew. The smell clung to Alex’s clothes, to his hair and his skin and Chris feared it was the start of Alex’s downfall again. He pretended it was nothing, hoped it was just a one-off thing and curled into Alex’s touch, together falling asleep in seconds.

But it did happen again, just the next day. For a while, the two men had been planning to celebrate their 6 month anniversary at home with a nice home cooked meal. It wasn’t anything extravagant but they wanted to make it special. Chris had taken control of the kitchen, remembering how the last time Alex had cooked did not end well with the smell of burnt food sticking to the walls of the kitchen and to the pots and pans. While Chris chopped potatoes, peeled carrots and fried steak, Alex was working at the office on a couple of videos. 

Early evening, after spending hours in the kitchen, Chris laid the table with a couple of scented candles and two wine glasses filled with sparkling fruit juice. As scheduled, Chris plated the food at 7pm and sat at the table waiting for Alex to return home. After a few minutes, Chris assumed the traffic was bad coming from the office. After 15 minutes, the food was starting to go cold and so Chris placed the plates back in the oven. After half an hour, Chris began to grow concerned. He checked his phone, texted and called the redhead but there was no response. After an hour, Chris gave up and went to their bedroom. 

When Alex stumbled through the door a few hours later, the foul smell of burning food filled his nostrils. He wobbled as he walked through the room, unable to walk in a straight line as the alcohol stopped his feet from landing one in front of the other. When he made it to the kitchen, the sight that met him almost made tears fall from his eyes. The table was set for two but only glass was full, only one set of cutlery and one plate sat unused, the candles had wax dripping down the sides from where they had been lit but now they sat, blown out. Inside the oven on a low temperature sat a meal, chargrilled on the outside. He mentally cursed, how could he have been so stupid? How could he have forgotten? Why did he go to the pub, the bar and have so much to drink? 

Alex left the kitchen, climbing the stairs as quietly as he could as he made his way to the bedroom. He feared what Chris would say to him, whether he would be angry or upset at Alex for missing their dinner together. But as he pushed open the door, he could see the messy tufts of hair sticking up from underneath the duvet and Alex sighed in relief. He could make it up to Chris tomorrow but for now, he wouldn’t get shouted at. He slid his jeans off his waist, kicking them to the ground and pulled his shirt away from his torso, leaving him standing in just his boxers. As he neared the bed, Alex could just make out the dried tear tracks on Chris’ cheeks and a wave of guilt pushed at him. He lifted the duvet and slid underneath, his arms instinctively sliding around the smaller body of his boyfriend, pulling him close. At the action, Chris stirred slightly, his eyes opening in the dark, blinking quickly to adjust,,

“Smith?” He asked, his voice hoarse from sleep.

Alex brought his hand up, gently caressing Chris’ cheek as he whispered, “Shh love… Go back to sleep, I’m sorry about earlier but I’ll make it up to you.”

Chris frowned, did Alex really think that was enough? He could smell the alcohol fumes on his body, tonight he didn’t even attempt to hide the stale alcohol on his breath. He sat upright, bringing the covers with him so Alex was left shivering slightly at the change in temperature, “You’re not getting away with it that easily!”

“What do you want me to do? I’m sorry.”

“We need to talk Alex, I thought you’d stopped drinking, stopped for good?”

Alex made a noncommittal noise, “I never said forever… It was just a few drinks with some mates, nothing to worry about.”

“And last night?” Chris queried.

“Just a few drinks.”

“Will this happen every night? Like it did last time? Will you go out until the early hours of the evening drinking until your liver can’t take anymore before stumbling home smelling like a brewery and climbing into bed like nothing’s wrong?”

“You could always join me?” Alex teased, a lopsided grin forming across his cheeks.

Chris swallowed, “Well I can’t do it. I can’t watch you throw away your life again. I can’t watch you fall apart…” Chris mumbled, he tried blinking to stop the tears that were threatening to fall over his eyes. But it was no use, they spilled over his eyelashes, falling down his cheeks, following the same pattern as the tears from earlier, “I love you Alex so I’m not going to stay and see it happen.” He stood up from the bed and made his way to the closed door, “I’m sorry.”

As Chris’ hand touched the doorknob, the startled Alex spoke with a hint of desperation in his voice, “Are you breaking up with me?” He paused, his voice faltering as he too was trying to stop his tears, “I need you, I don’t know how to be without you.”

“I have to Alex, I’m sorry.”

"Don’t! Don’t leave Chris. Please” At that moment Chris almost faltered in his steps, he almost turned back, almost believed that Alex wasn’t going to ruin his life with alcohol. But he couldn’t turn around, it was Alex’s fault it came to this. He couldn’t sit through it all again. And so he continued, as hard as the decision was, he knew he had made the right one.

“We’ll talk in the morning.” Chris answered sharply, opening the door and heading to his old bedroom. But when Alex awoke the next morning, his head pounding, Chris wasn’t there. He had packed his bags and disappeared in the early hours of the morning, leaving Alex alone…


	7. My Saviour

*6 months later* 

Chris’ fingers moved, slipping his black, skinny tie around his neck before pulling the collar of his shirt over the top. He moved to stand in front of the mirror, where he flattened a few strands of hair before deeming himself presentable. He was meeting a date at a restaurant for the evening, planning on having a nice meal while getting to know the other man a little better. This was the first date he’d had in six months and he couldn’t help the nervous butterflies that resided in his stomach. As he slipped one shoe onto his foot, his phone lit up and his ringtone started playing. He picked it up, glancing at the name that appeared, expecting it to be his date but was surprised to find it read Alex Smith. 

Chris felt a wave of sadness wash over him as he felt his breath catch and his heart stop momentarily. It had been six months ago when he walked out of that house, six months since he had had his heart broken by this man. Everyday, he had tried to forget about their time together, forget about the way he had fallen in love with the redhead. He had tried so hard to conceal his feelings but as the name flashed on his phone, he felt it all come flooding back. He had fought so hard not to turn around and go back to Alex but now, now it was all he wanted.

As he was flooded with memories, the phone call ended and Chris was almost relieved. He went back to putting on his shoes but just as he slipped the second over his heel, his phone started buzzing again. He knew it must be somewhat important, this was the first time since their break up that they had even tried to talk to each other. With slight hesitation, Chris answered the phone, bracing himself for the sound of Alex’s voice.

“Chrissy baby… How are you?” Alex slurred, his words barely coherent. He had clearly been at the alcohol again, nothing had changed over the last six months. It was this reason that Chris had to walk away and it seemed like the problem had worsened if nothing else.

“Alex.” Chris stated as he sighed disappointedly, he wasn’t sure why he had even expected Alex to be sober, “Are you drunk?” He asked.

“Nooooo…..” Alex answered, giggling at his response. There was a moment of silence before he spoke again, “Yes…”

“Right Alex, I don’t have time for this, I’m going out.”

“Going out? With someone else?” Alex questioned with such sadness in his voice that Chris almost felt sorry for him.

“Yes Alex, with another man. We broke up remember?”

“I wish we hadn’t… I still love you Chrissy…” 

Chris stopped, standing completely still. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say. He still had feelings for the other man, first loves never die, but he knew this was the alcohol talking again. He settled for something safe and asked coldly, “Is there a reason you rang Alex?”

“I need your help Chrissy, I don’t know how to get home…” 

Chris sighed, he knew he couldn’t leave Alex like this, couldn’t expect the redhead to get home safely. He got Alex to recite his location and got in his car. Before he set off, he sent a text to his date explaining that something had come up unexpectedly and he would have to call off their evening.

When he pulled up to the pub, he saw the familiar redhead sitting at the side of the road. Before Chris got out of his car, he stopped for a minute, observing the figure. He hadn’t changed since he last saw him, still wearing the same maroon jumpers and worn-out converse trainers. His hair was still a mess in untamed curls. He was swaying slightly, unable to keep still despite sitting down. Chris took a deep breath and opened his car door. As he neared the redhead, he could see the blue eyes lighten, a slow smile spread across his face,

“Chrissy! You came!” He called excitedly. He stood up, wobbling as he did so, reaching out to clutch at Chris’ suited arms to keep him upright, “You’re my saviour, my knight in shining armour…” He leant in closer to Chris, inhaling slightly as his face connected with fabric, “Mmm… You smell nice.”

“You’re just drunk Alex.” He answered, helping the redhead to climb into the passenger seat of his car. They drove an awkward journey, Chris unable to think of anything to say to the redhead while Alex mumbled in his drunken state, most of which Chris couldn’t even understand. He so desperately wanted to talk about everything they’d been through, even about the phone conversation they’d just had but Chris doubted Alex would even be able to remember it the next morning. So instead, he remained silent, mumbling a yes or a no in response wherever he was expected to. As he drove towards his old house, he was overwhelmed with past feelings, ones of love and ones of regret, he wanted nothing more than to just get out of the house and climb back into his old bed, it was much more comfortable than his small, stuffy flat. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do the alcohol thing again, couldn’t put himself through that again. So he helped Alex to the front door. He pressed a gentle kiss to Alex’s forehead and whispered softly,

“Call me in the morning if you remember anything…” He shut the front door behind the redhead and got back into his car. As he did so, he felt the start of tears start to fall over his cheeks. They were tears of fear. They were tears of regret. They were tears of love. He had been holding them in for most of the evening but now found it so hard. He had lost so much over the last six months yet he found himself secretly hoping Alex would call the next morning.


	8. A Promise to Keep

It was late morning when Chris stirred from his bed, the sunlight seeping in through the curtains and basking his room in a soft yellow glow. He rose slowly, wincing at the sudden change of temperature as he threw his duvet from his body and stood on the cold wooden floor. As he stood, every joint in his body clicked in satisfaction and relief. He reached over, picking up his phone from where it lay in the pile of clothes discarded from the night before. He never got the chance to wear his suit properly, as soon as he had dropped Alex back at his house, Chris had clambered into bed and cried himself to sleep. But oddly enough, he was pleased. It made him realise that he wasn’t over Alex yet, that even trying to move on regardless would end badly. He needed more time before he started dating again, something that he truly hated the idea of. 

As he switched on his phone, Chris was surprised to be bombarded with a series of texts and missed calls from one individual: Alex Smith. His breath caught and his phone almost slipped from his fingers. 

One text read: Chris I’m sorry, I need to talk to you.

Another: I meant everything I said last night, I still love you Chris

More: I’ve been struggling without you Chris, please forgive me for everything

It was nearly midday and Chris was surprised that Alex was even conscious let alone in a fit state to remember what he had said yesterday. But he clearly did. The multiple texts and various phone calls all acted as proof.

Chris didn’t know what to do. He had secretly been hoping to end up in this situation but now it was here, he didn’t know what to do. Did he want Alex back? Could he go through everything again? He went into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee as he pondered. He missed the redhead’s laugh, the way his teasing and insults were meant with love behind them, the way that when they were together he could be a caring and sweet man. But he would never miss the drinking, the late nights, the worrying. So what could he do? He knew he still had feelings for the redhead, nothing would be able to change that, a first proper love would last forever. He knew because of that, he couldn’t give up and walk away again. 

He sent Alex a text: We need to talk Smith, I’ll be over to yours in 30 minutes.

He jumped quickly in the shower before dressing. Without looking at his choice of clothing, he pulled on a pair of slightly battered jeans and a t-shirt. As the shirt passed over his head, he was met with a familiar waft of vanilla and as it reached his shoulders, he felt the shirt swamp his slender frame. It was Alex’s. To Chris, it felt like a sign, wearing Alex’s shirt by accident when he was on his way to meet the man. He smiled to himself and jumped in his car, his body taking him to the house without his mind even needing to think, it was muscle memory.

When the door opened, Chris was met with a very tired looking man who had bloodshot eyes and darkened marks sitting under them. He looked rough, bundled into a thick hoodie and tracksuit trousers but despite his unappealing appearance, Chris couldn’t help but smile at Alex, his Alex. His slid in the house, shutting the door behind him and the two men went to sit in the lounge, Chris in the armchair while Alex perched awkwardly on the sofa. There was a few moments of silence, neither man quite sure of how to approach the topic. It was Alex who spoke first, the sudden contrast in volume bringing attention to the gravelled sound that was the result of little sleep the night before,

“I can stop drinking… I can do it properly this time, I can stay sober if it means I can have you back, I’ve been a mess without you Chris.”

Chris took a deep breath, thinking. He had never seen the desperation behind Alex’s eyes and he knew the other man was serious. He knew that if he said yes, Alex would put everything he had into stopping drinking, he would try his hardest not to make the same mistake again, “I- I still love you Smith, I need you.” He saw the hope fill Alex’s eyes, saw the way his body tensed with excitement and saw how the smile spread across his face. Chris knew he had made the right choice. But first, he knew he had to say something, express his concerns and offer some conditions, “I need you to know Alex that this is the last chance, next time I will walk away and I will stay away. If you really are serious, I want you to get some professional help, I’m not enough to keep you from drinking without more but I’ll support you with everything you decide and everything you do. If you want it, I want to move back in but I think we should take things slow at first, begin to trust each other again.” He stopped, letting the words sink in.

Alex nodded, “Of course, that’s fair. I promise I’ll never hurt you again. I’ll do whatever it takes to have you back Chris.” He stood from his seat, making his way over to the brunette with slight caution, he wasn’t sure whether or not to go in for a hug or to wait a moment. But Chris made that decision, he rose from his own seat and took the closing step towards Alex, standing on tiptoes so that he was level with the taller man. From there, Chris slid his arms around Alex’s neck while Alex’s hands splayed against the exposed strip of skin between Chris’s shirt and jeans, “Whatever it takes…” He repeated, whispering his words as he closed the distance between their mouths, placing a gentle kiss against Chris’ soft lips. Their mouths molded together, fitting perfectly as if the sole purpose of his lips was to kiss the other man’s. 

It was as if no time had passed. It felt like nothing had changed, it felt like they belonged this way. Now until forever.


	9. Alcoholics Anonymous

The building itself was daunting. A tall, white structure with a vast opening through which Alex and Chris entered. Alex had been apprehensive about turning up to his first meeting and had persuaded Chris to join him, relying on the feel of soft skin beneath his fingers and that gentle voice to get him through it. They were ushered through into a grand room where a slightly wonky circle had been made out of different coloured plastic chairs. They each took a seat, choosing two side by side. 

As Alex was sitting on the uncomfortable chair, he felt nerves fill his body. He hated expressing his emotions yet here he was, about to confess to a room full of people his failings. He shifted, desperately hoping to find a more comfortable position to sit in as he awaited his turn. As the person to his left stood up, Alex reached out, seeking the delicate hand that belonged to his partner, their fingers curling together instantly. Alex could feel Chris’ thumb tracing small circles against the skin beneath it, a motion that began to calm his nerves. As the person beside him lowered themselves back into their seat, Alex rose from his own. 

He took a deep breath, glancing down at the brunette beside him who offered a smile in return. He felt Chris’ hand tighten quickly around his own, giving it a squeeze of love, a squeeze of belief. He took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves before speaking,

“My name is Alex Smith and I’m an alcoholic…”

 

\---------------

 

*12 months later*

Surrounded by familiar faces, Alex made his way to the front of the room where he could observe who was standing before him. He had friends, family but most importantly, by his side with a huge grin on his face was Chris, his Chris. He had done it. He had succeeded. It wasn’t easy, in fact it was probably the hardest thing he’d ever done. But he had done it. He had stayed sober for a total of 12 months. 1 year. To most people, it might not seem like much but for Alex, it was his greatest achievement. It meant he hadn’t given up, given in. It meant he had persevered through the good and the bad. But most importantly, it meant he hadn’t ruined everything like last time. 

On the table next to him sat a huge chocolate cake, one that had made by his friends in Yogtowers. They had decorated it with a range of different sweets and chocolates: buttons, smarties, skittles and in the middle, they had planted a number one candle. It had been made with such love and such effort that Alex felt truly valued. Without everyone in the room, he wasn’t sure if he could have made it through a whole year. Sure he had AA meetings to attend and counselling sessions to fall back on but it was the love and care from all his friends that made it feel possible. But it was the love of one individual that made it happen. 

 

Alex smiled, he really did have the best friends. He began speaking, projecting his voice so that everyone in the room could hear. “I just want to say thank you. You’ve been so kind to me and that cake looks amazing, I can’t wait to eat it. But there’s one person in particular I need to thank: Chris Trott. I know it’s not been easy but I want to thank you for sticking with me despite everything that’s happened. Those six months without you were the hardest, I was a mess without you Trott. And it’s only you being here that’s made the last twelve months possible. If I didn’t have you by my side, supporting me through each and every meeting or urge, I wouldn’t be able to stand here before you all to say I am one year sober!” He paused for a moment, his hand reaching out for Chris’ where their fingers entwined automatically, “I can’t promise the next few years will be easy, I know I’ll make mistakes but that night when you forgave me Chris, that was a promise to keep, I will never hurt you again. So I want to take this moment with all our friends and family here to ask you something.” Alex delved his free hand into his jacket pocket where he removed a little red box, before crouching to the floor so that he was kneeling on one knee, “Chris Trott, will you be my rock for the rest of my life? Will you marry me?”

The room was plunged into silence as the guests anxiously awaited the response from Chris. There were tears forming at his eyes, threatening to spill over his eyelashes despite the rapid blinking. He nodded, a simple motion, too afraid that if he spoke he wouldn’t be able to get any words out. A huge smile broke out over both of their faces, a matching one of joy and excitement. Alex lifted the ring out of the box in his hand and instead, slipped it gently over Chris’ knuckle until it sat at the base of his ring finger. He stood from the floor, moving quickly so that his body was pressed against Chris in seconds, giving the smaller man a loving hug. His rough hands splayed against Chris’ hips, his thumbs resting on the slender curve as his thumb began tracing gentle circles there. He felt Chris’ head nestle into his neck, his messy hair tickling at Alex’s nose. He could feel Chris’ heartbeat beneath his skin: gentle, consistent, reassuring. He could feel the warm breath on each of Chris’ exhales, brushing against his neck. He heard Chris’ voice, barely louder than a whisper as he spoke, “I love you Alex…”

He was wrong, he never wanted to forget Chris’ laugh, Chris’ hugs or the way he said his name. He wanted those things and many more to be imprinted in his memory so he that could always remember them. Those were the little things he loved but now he could love the whole man, the man he was going to marry. He couldn’t believe it.

“I love you too Chris, forever and always, yeah?” He murmured in reply.

He had done it. He had the life. He had the man. And now he had the happiness he had been searching for…


End file.
